drunk?

i really dunno wat i'm doing here just aft vomitting n still having my world swirl around me. my stomach hurts n my head is splitting but i wld like to believe tt i'm still in control over my thoughts n actions. hey, joy has grown up!! a whole bottle of 11.3% jim beam n she's still standing.

alcohol sure has amazing powers. it can make u stop feeling. when ur gluping down ridiculous mouthfuls of bitter, medicine-tasting concoction, the numbness just ebbs continuously at u, its pretty surreal. an experience i find it hard to put into wrds. even aft i cut my fingers n the rest of them flustered around washing n bandaging them, i felt at peace as i watched the blood seep passively out of the wound. mayb tts coz my world was just starting to turn blurry n i kinda felt as if i was floating.

i wld be lying if i said my fingers didn't hurt. in fact they hurt damn alot when the metal penetrated the skin n hurt even more when the water drummed down on it. my middle finger even shook in pain as xq wrapped the plaster around it. but as compared to the grief in my heart, tis was seriously nothing.

i dunno if our choice spot of chilling was correct - on the bridge facing the esplanade where me n him gazed at 2007's welcome fireworks display - it was fun but sad at the same time. we drank a multitude of alcoholic beverages n talked abt all the negative things life has to offer. undeniably, that got us pretty emo n high.

i'm not drunk. it may look as if i was but i was fully conscious on wat i was doing the whole time. the alcohol just made me lose my sense of embarrassment so i cld do things tt a sober me wld definitely not do. the whole time, i was fully aware of everything i did only i couldn't care less.. irrational behaviour such as talking louder than necessary, spelling 'toilet' at the top of my lungs, walking crookedly, laughing hysterically, crawling under fences, talking dirty n being all over xq was just attempts to psycho myself to stay smiling. n for once in a long long time, i found myself capable of laughing out loud so care freely w/o a concern in the world.. xq was equally high so i tink we both owe darren n cheeleng apologies for causing them to worry n freak out.


u noe, its fucking easy for me to hate u. for u hv aroused emotions within me tt i nv tot i wld experience. u inflicted pains so deep tt i wun even wish them upon my worst enemies. u made me breakdown n just stood afar watching. dar, u tell ppl things i wish u wld tell me personally. ur thoughts, ur feelings, ur moments of weakness, etc.. i miss u a hell load of times but i guess tt even aft knowing tis, u will still continue to bury ur concern. please tell me wat to do.. show me the light at the end of tis tunnel. hold my hand n guide me through tis mess coz i've already run out of ideas in trying to spark some sorta reaction frm u.

p/s: i still cannot fathom as to in wat way r we "complicated"..